21st February 2021
Question: My husband does not sexually satisfy me. He fell asleep on me on our wedding night (the very first time I was intimate with someone). I have spoken to him and claims he tries harder and also exercises. He refuses to come near me and claims I shouldn’t be complaining and I should be grateful. He has no regrets for sleeping on me when I have the urge. I have to go to him for intimacy at least once every 3 to 4 months otherwise he isn’t bothered at all. Can I apply for divorce on this basis? Isn’t intimacy my right also and how often should a couple be intimate?
الجواب حامداً و مصلياً
In the name of Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer
In reference to your case in question, as a point of principle intimacy in marriage is a shared right between the husband and wife. Just as the husband has natural urges then so does his wife. The Hanafi jurists mention that responding to intimacy when desired is wajib, which suggests that neither can the wife refuse intimacy when her husband demands it except during her menses, post-natal bleeding, during Ramadhān fasts and Ihram, and neither can he refuse when she demands it. The husband otherwise becomes sinful for refusing and will be accountable before Allāh Almighty.[1] Intimacy in marriage, as Imam Nawwawi rahimahullah explains, becomes a form of worship and rewarding when done to fulfil his wife’s needs which falls under kind social treatment towards her just as Allāh Almighty commands it. It is also rewarding with the intention of having pious children and protecting oneself from an unlawful relationship and unlawful gaze.[2] Refusing intimacy with her would inevitably lead to her suffering harm for neglecting her fundamental right.[3]
Thus, in your case if what you have stated is true then he becomes sinful for refusing intimacy with you if approaching once in 3 or 4 months is not sufficient. There is no prescribed period as to how often every couple must engage in intimacy as this varies between the natural urges of every couple. What is important is not to refuse without a valid reason and to engage in intimacy enough to protect themselves from unlawful relationship. Imam Ghazali rahimahullah however recommends every couple to be intimate at least once every four nights but this is not obligatory.[4] What I would initially recommend is consider marriage counselling or request a reliable family member to mediate between you both. Despite that, if he still remains reluctant towards you and expresses no interest in being intimate with you except once every three to four months which is not sufficient for your needs being fulfilled then as a last resort you may ask him to divorce you. If he still refuses then you can approach a reliable Shariah Council to dissolve your marriage.[5]
[Allãh Knows Best]
Written and researched by (Mufti) Abdul Waheed
Answer Attested by Shaykh Mufti Saiful Islam
JKN Fatawa Department
[1] Kasān, Badā’i Sanāi, Kitāb al-Nikah, vol 2 p. 331
فَصْلٌ بَيَانُ حُكْمِ النِّكَاحِ
وَهَذَا الْحُكْمُ وَهُوَ حِلُّ الِاسْتِمْتَاعِ مُشْتَرَكٌ بَيْنَ الزَّوْجَيْنِ، فَإِنَّ الْمَرْأَةَ كَمَا تَحِلُّ لِزَوْجِهَا، فَزَوْجُهَا يَحِلُّ لَهَا قَالَ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ: {لا هُنَّ حِلٌّ لَهُمْ وَلا هُمْ يَحِلُّونَ لَهُنَّ} [الممتحنة: 10] ، وَلِلزَّوْجِ أَنْ يُطَالِبَهَا بِالْوَطْءِ مَتَى شَاءَ إلَّا عِنْدَ اعْتِرَاضِ أَسْبَابٍ مَانِعَةٍ مِنْ الْوَطْءِ كَالْحَيْضِ وَالنِّفَاسِ وَالظِّهَارِ وَالْإِحْرَامِ وَغَيْرِ ذَلِكَ، وَلِلزَّوْجَةِ أَنْ تُطَالِبَ زَوْجَهَا بِالْوَطْءِ؛ لِأَنَّ حِلَّهُ لَهَا حَقُّهَا كَمَا أَنَّ حِلَّهَا لَهُ حَقُّهُ، وَإِذَا طَالَبَتْهُ يَجِبُ عَلَى الزَّوْجِ، وَيُجْبَرُ عَلَيْهِ فِي الْحُكْمِ مَرَّةً وَاحِدَةً وَالزِّيَادَةُ عَلَى ذَلِكَ تَجِبُ فِيمَا بَيْنَهُ، وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ تَعَالَى مِنْ بَابِ حُسْنِ الْمُعَاشَرَةِ وَاسْتِدَامَةِ النِّكَاحِ، فَلَا يَجِبُ عَلَيْهِ فِي الْحُكْمِ عِنْدَ بَعْضِ أَصْحَابِنَا، وَعِنْدَ بَعْضِهِمْ يَجِبُ عَلَيْهِ فِي الْحُكْمِ.
Mowsu’atul Fiqhiyyah Kuwaitiyyah, vol 44, p. 13
وَلِلزَّوْجِ أَنْ يُطَالِبَهَا بِالْوَطْءِ مَتَى شَاءَ إِلاَّ عِنْدَ اعْتِرَاضِ أَسْبَابٍ مَانِعَةٍ مِنَ الْوَطْءِ كَالْحَيْضِ وَالنِّفَاسِ وَالظِّهَارِ وَالإِحْرَامِ وَغَيْرِ ذَلِكَ. وَلِلزَّوْجَةِ أَنْ تُطَالِبَ زَوْجَهَا بِالْوَطْءِ، لأَنَّ حِلَّهُ لَهَا حَقُّهَا، كَمَا أَنَّ حِلَّهَا لَهُ حَقُّهُ
Mowsu’atul Fiqhiyyah Kuwaitiyyah, vol 44, p. 36
لِلْحَنَفِيَّةِ وَقَوْلٌ لِبَعْضِ الشَّافِعِيَّةِ، وَهُوَ أَنَّ لِلزَّوْجَةِ مُطَالَبَةَ زَوْجِهَا بِالْوَطْءِ، لأَِنَّ حِلَّهُ لَهَا حَقُّهَا، كَمَا أَنَّ حِلَّهَا لَهُ حَقُّهُ. وَإِذَا طَالَبَتْهُ بِهِ فَإِنَّهُ يَجِبُ عَلَيْهِ وَيُجْبَرُ عَلَيْهِ فِي الْحُكْمِ مَرَّةً وَاحِدَةً، وَالزِّيَادَةُ عَلَى ذَلِكَ تَجِبُ عَلَيْهِ دِيَانَةً فِيمَا بَيْنَهُ وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ تَعَالَى مِنْ بَابِ حُسْنِ الْمُعَاشَرَةِ وَاسْتِدَامَةِ النِّكَاحِ، وَلاَ تَجِبُ عَلَيْهِ فِي الْحُكْمِ عِنْدَ بَعْضِ الْحَنَفِيَّةِ، وَعِنْدَ بَعْضِهِمْ يَجِبُ عَلَيْهِ فِي الْحُكْمِ، وَقَالُوا: يَأْثَمُ الزَّوْجُ إِذَا تَرَكَ مَا يَجِبُ عَلَيْهِ دِيَانَةً مُتَعَنِّتًا مَعَ الْقُدْرَةِ عَلَى الْوَطْءِ.
[2] Nawwawi, Sharhul Muslim, vol 7, p. 92
باب بَيَانِ أَنَّ اسْمَ الصَّدَقَةِ يَقَعُ عَلَى كُلِّ نَوْعٍ مِنْ الْمَعْرُوفِ
وَفِي هَذَا دَلِيلٌ عَلَى إِنَّ الْمُبَاحَاتِ تَصِيرُ طَاعَاتٍ بِالنِّيَّاتِ الصَّادِقَاتِ، فَالْجِمَاعُ يَكُونُ عِبَادَةً إِذَا نَوَى بِهِ قَضَاءَ حَقِّ الزَّوْجَةِ وَمُعَاشَرَتَهَا بِالْمَعْرُوفِ الَّذِي أَمَرَ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى بِهِ، أَوْ طَلَبَ وَلَدٍ صَالِحٍ، أَوْ إِعْفَافَ نَفْسِهِ أَوْ إِعْفَافَ الزَّوْجَةِ، وَمَنْعَهُمَا جَمِيعًا مِنَ النَّظَرِ إِلَى حَرَامٍ أَوِ الْفِكْرِ فِيهِ أَوِ الْهَمِّ بِهِ أَوْ غَيْرِ ذَلِكَ مِنَ الْمَقَاصِدِ الصَّالِحَةِ
[3] Kasān, Badā’i Sanāi, Kitāb al-Nikah, vol 2 p. 334
فَصْلٌ وِلَايَةُ التَّأْدِيبِ لِلزَّوْجِ إذَا لَمْ تُطِعْهُ
قِيلَ يُخَوِّفُهَا بِالْهَجْرِ أَوَّلًا وَالِاعْتِزَالِ عَنْهَا، وَتَرْكِ الْجِمَاعِ وَالْمُضَاجَعَةِ، فَإِنْ تَرَكَتْ وَإِلَّا هَجَرَهَا لَعَلَّ نَفْسَهَا لَا تَحْتَمِلُ الْهَجْرَ، ثُمَّ اُخْتُلِفَ فِي كَيْفِيَّةِ الْهَجْرِ قِيلَ يَهْجُرُهَا بِأَنْ لَا يُجَامِعَهَا، وَلَا يُضَاجِعَهَا عَلَى فِرَاشِهِ، وَقِيلَ يَهْجُرُهَا بِأَنْ لَا يُكَلِّمَهَا فِي حَالِ مُضَاجَعَتِهِ إيَّاهَا لَا أَنْ يَتْرُكَ جِمَاعَهَا وَمُضَاجَعَتَهَا؛ لِأَنَّ ذَلِكَ حَقٌّ مُشْتَرَكٌ بَيْنَهُمَا، فَيَكُونُ فِي ذَلِكَ عَلَيْهِ مِنْ الضَّرَرِ مَا عَلَيْهَا، فَلَا يُؤَدِّبَهَا بِمَا يَضُرُّ بِنَفْسِهِ، وَيُبْطِلُ حَقَّهُ،
[4] Al-Ghazali, Ihya Ulum al-Deen, Kitab Adab Nikah, vol 2, p. 50
وَيَنْبَغِي أَنْ يَأْتِيَهَا فِي كُل أَرْبَعِ لَيَالٍ مَرَّةً، فَهُوَ أَعْدَلُهُ، إِذْ عَدَدُ النِّسَاءِ أَرْبَعَةٌ، فَجَازَ التَّأْخِيرُ إِلَى هَذَا الْحَدِّ. نَعَمْ، يَنْبَغِي أَنْ يَزِيدَ أَوْ يَنْقُصَ بِحَسَبِ حَاجَتِهَا فِي التَّحْصِينِ، فَإِنَّ تَحْصِينَهَا وَاجِبٌ عَلَيْهِ، وَإِنْ كَانَ لاَ يَثْبُتُ الْمُطَالَبَةُ بِالْوَطْءِ، وَذَلِكَ لِعُسْرِ الْمُطَالَبَةِ وَالْوَفَاءِ.
[5] Majmu’atul Qawaneen Islami, Muslim Personal Law, Husband neglecting his Marital Obligations, Article 327, p. 242,
This is also the view of Shaykhul Islām ibn Taymiyyah rahimahullah, Mowsu’atul Fiqhiyyah Kuwaitiyyah, vol 44, p. 38
ثُمَّ قَال ابْنُ تَيْمِيَّةَ: وَحُصُول الضَّرَرِ لِلزَّوْجَةِ بِتَرْكِ الْوَطْءِ مُقْتَضٍ لِلْفَسْخِ بِكُل حَالٍ، سَوَاءٌ كَانَ بِقَصْدٍ مِنَ الزَّوْجِ أَوْ بِغَيْرِ قَصْدٍ، وَلَوْ مَعَ قُدْرَتِهِ وَعَجْزِهِ، كَالنَّفَقَةِ وَأَوْلَى لِلْفَسْخِ بِتَعَذُّرِهِ فِي الإِيلاَءِ إِجْمَاعًا